Harry Potter and Toenail of Icklibõgg
by Sirius Denial
Summary: [Parody] Harry Potter "Meets Mark"-ina! Suspense thriller...courtesy of J.K. Rowling. [RR]


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its affialiates. All these belong to J.K Rowling...that lucky witch.

_Harry Potter and Toenail of Icklibõgg...among other things..._

**Prologue**

"Meet Mark"-ina

* * *

"Yeah, I'll see you later" said a nearly sixteen year-old Harry. 

He might as well have been talking to a brick wall. His uncle continued to read his newspaper as if Harry hadn't said anything. Harry, well used to this, slammed the front door as he walked out. He had been depressed due to death of his godfather, Sirius. Although it was only 6:20 pm, he shouldn't have been wandering around.

Last year, Voldemort had been aiming to keep a low profile but, now that everybody knew he was alive, it was wonder Voldemort didn't Apparate right there in front of Harry and try to do him in. Harry was suddenly jerked out of thought by a loud 'crack' behind him. He spun around, wand in hand, his heart beating loudly, expecting to see Voldemort half-way through 'Avada Kedavra'; instead he saw an old man walking towards him.

"Young man, you surely must be Harry Potter, Lily's son," said the old man in a high voice.

"Yes, I am," said Harry rolling his eyes "But the question is...who are you?"

"Ah, yes I am Mark Evans, Lily's aunt"

"But…If you're…a man…" said Harry trailing off.

"I'm a transvestite," he replied

"What's your…Errrr name by…birth," asked Harry.

"Oh, Markina, but…just call me Mark," said Mark as Harry stared

"Would you mind telling me why you have not visited me for the past 15, 16 years."

"I shall explain all that, but first I must ask are you against You-Know-Who?"

"Now where would you get that from? I mean, he killed my parents and he tried to do me in when I was 1, 11, 12, 14, and 15. Can't you feel the love?" said Harry sarcastically

"Ah, so you utterly detest him," said Mark.

"No shit, Sherlock"

"I've quite good hearing for an old _man_ –" Harry rolled his eyes "–And I think Mrs. Figg is coming. I shall meet you at 9:45 tonight. Until then Harry"

"Until then, great-aunt who's a transvestite, until then"

* * *

"It's almost 10:00, where is he?" Harry yelled to his ceiling. 

Suddenly his window slammed shut. Harry froze as a 'man' started to form in front of him.

"Oooh, very clever, an Invisibility Cloak," said Harry sarcastically.

"If I had Apparated into your room everybody would have heard," said Mark as he casually walked to the other side of the room.

"How considerate of you," replied Harry turning around "Anyway what was it you wanted to tell me"

"Ah, yes let's start at the beginning shall we?" the old man questioned.

"Knock yourself out." Harry replied.

"You see Lily was a great disappointment…she was a Death Eater"

"MY MUM–"

"_Silencio_" Mark said sharply "You have to promise not to yell and only then will I take the hex off."

"Please take the hex off, I promise I want yell," Harry mouthed.

"Okay then. _Finite Silencio_." he said as Harry felt his voice come back.

"Anyway she wasn't a Death Eater, she was completely against Voldemort–" said Harry, as Mark suddenly had a full-body twitch.

"Get used to it," said Harry, sneering.

"Getting back to the point, I came here to tell you about our plan" he said smiling.

"My self, Professor Bicycle, and his brother Icicle Bicycle have a plot to defeat You-Know-Who," Mark said in a more serious voice then before, "You see using the Mystical Kettle of Nackledirk which when filled with water lights the Green Flame Torch, when this is combined with the Toenail of Icklibõgg it turns anything it touches to ashes, there is more to it but, I can not tell you that here"

"Where are you going to tell me then?" asked Harry a little dazed at what he had just heard.

"I will tell you where to meet me and how to get there tomorrow night at 10:00, ta ta!"

"The same to you _Markina_..."

* * *

**Author's Note**: This is my first HP fic...hell, it's my my first fic period. It's a parody, if you haven't already noticed. About the next chapter...if you want any more hints, check out the Rumours section of J.K. Rowlings website. Read and review! Bye! 

_...Padfoot..._


End file.
